Saturday, January 22, 2011

"It Takes All I Have Just to Give What Life Demands."

Hey Everyone, I wearily start...

I know. It has been a while, a long while. I wish I could give you one great reason for my long absence like maybe I was spotted at the mall by a movie producer whom thought I could be the body double for Angelina Jolie and then was subsequently signed to a film that was on location in Greece so I spent the last several months sipping daiguiris and having soulful conversations with Brad Pitt about the merits of adopting from underprivledged countries.

Ok, I said I wish...

But the honest truth is there is no ONE good reason...there are, however, one MILLION good ones (and some bad.) I'm reminded of another quote: "Others have excuses, I have my reasons why."

So here is reason number one. Life is kicking my ass. Truly. I wish I could take credit for the title of this post, but it is a line from one of my alltime favorite songs, a lesser known one, written and sung by the incomprable Dolly Parton. There are some lyrics from that song that I want, NEED, to share with you..because you, just like I,will recognize the truth and wisdom of her song.

"You know, I've been thinkin' just a whole lot lately about what's been and what awaits me. It takes all I've got just to give what life demands.
Lord, you'd go insane if you give into it.
Life's a mill, and brother I've been through it.
I'm just so grateful I'm creative with my hands."

Wow. That Dolly. I'd swear sometimes you could wrap up my whole life in the lines of just a few of her songs. But in any case, at least in my experience these past few years, it ABSOLUTELY does take ALL we've got. Just EVERYTHING. We work and sweat and pray and do and want and need and know and ask and give and take and struggle and toil and at the END of the day...We're two steps back from where we started.

All I can think is if it takes this much effort to avoid catastrophe, would it not be just a whole lot less work to let it all go to shit?

For a while, my husband and I could't help but feel that we were moving in the wrong direction. Things shouldn't be so hard for so long. It had to be a message. We have spent years searching our souls, the skys, the bible, even a therapist or two for an answer as to why life has been so damn difficult.

I'll never forget looking up at my 80 year old Christian therapist whom upon listening to our sad story asked, "Superbitch, are you familiar with the story of Job?"

I said, without missing a beat, "As a writer, I must say God should've shoved that chapter right into the toilet, Sir, because that's just about the shittiest story I've heard, and if God thinks I'm going to bear that much strength, let me sign my deal with the devil now."

The conservative white haired man with the bible in his hand fell off his chair laughing. He said, "Superbitch, I think you just might have a lot of fight in you left. God's not through with you, but you sure do make him smile."

I love old people! They appreciate calling a spade a spade.

But! Not all the reasons I've been absent have been bad ones. Reason 844 for my absence: I won my disability case! Yay. Now I am not only disabled in my 30s, but the government is paying me to be so. I consistently remind my husband that my job title is technically "disabled citizen," so the less I do, the better I actually am at my job. I'm sure he wants to fire back some days that I am in the running for employee of the month!

I won't lie. The money is making a great part of my life easier. Its nice to see some of the black circles under my husband's eyes start to fade, or to watch my son's joyful reaction at getting what he actually asked for for Christmas.

The money means we could hire a housekeeper again, but let me tell you, with the RA, I appreciate this woman like never before. I list her right underneath god and family, right before breathing and sex, such is her role in my life!

Still, it is not my wish to remain disabled. I went to school too damn long. I am too damn useful, at least mentally still to sit at home watching some crazy man reveal the results of 8 paternity tests for one woman.

I do retain, therefore, a job. We are allowed to work a bit on disability, one of the perks (ok, 1 of only 2, the other being good parking spaces). And as hard as it is some days to perform my job, I stubbornly refuse to give it up. Reason 604 for my absence is: I am teaching 2 college courses, one online and one in person. I love my seated class and abhor the online one, a bunch of computer illiterate adults thinking they should get an A for finding the power button on their PC. But I take the good with the bad because twice a week I get to leave my home, actually dressed like a professional, out of pajamas for a change and I am allowed to ponteficate on any subject I'd like...for instance, last week we discussed the merits of adopting kids from underdeveloped countries. Ok, so I'm short on discussion topics of late!

But even as the money situation eased, and I thought I'd get our first break, the fates were not through with my ass yet. Whereas my bank account has gone up, my weight has gone down, and down and down. Looking pretty scarey here. Last month even my husband whom has called me the hottest wife he knows for the past six years said, "Honey, you need to go make yourself a sandwhich." Hmmph! (He could miss one!)

So I start contacting all of the Drs. No response at first, and then at like the exact same weight, I suddenly heard back from EVERY Dr. Reason number 9898 for my absence: APPOINTMENTS! LOTS OF THEM!!! God we hate those, don't we?

Turns out there is some rather scarey stuff happening with the RA. Like I needed the white coats to tell me. Last week I felt too weak to hold that sandwhich. I will keep you guys abreast, but try not to worry. Try instead to get angry at the specialist whom upon meeting us and hearing our story said, "Your husband is a wonderful man. Any other one would have left you a long time ago. I'm not kidding."

Yeah, his EXACT words.

Reason number ONE MILLION for my absence: my husband is on trial for killing a dr.

I've decided the only thing to do now is listen to that Dolly song...I'll provide the link for those who'd like to hear...and take the advice from the last two lines:
"I'll keep leaning on my Jesus. I know he'll love and guide and lead us...
And I'll keep looking to the Father, he'll keep my head above the water...while these smokeymountain memories keep me strong."


  1. What is there to say to that? Just hold on tight.!!! I really hope things ease up for you....


  2. My goodness, so many understandable reasons why! Wishing you better health and keeping you in my prayers.

  3. Holy cow! That's a lot to contend with.

    Nobody expects the blog to be your life. Live first, blog in your spare time. Or while sitting in doctors' waiting rooms.

    Hang in there, SB. (and I'll contribute to your dh's defense fund) ;)

  4. OK - does the specialist know those marriage vows "for better or worse... in sickness and in health?" (probably not - that's why so many people are divorced these days!!) Oy vey!

    Even if he/she has no bedside manner, I hope he/she can help you. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts & praying things improve for you - keep us posted!

  5. So sorry to see your having so much trouble with the doctors and your RA. I know some people in Jersey and as they say "You wants them to take care of him for ya?" Just kidding of course but hmmm....
    Hang in there!!

  6. Hang in there lady! Do they have any idea why you have lost so much weight? I'm glad your disability was approved and now life can be a little easier! Nobody knows your struggles but you so don't worry about what others say or think. They have no clue what you go through! I'm very bad about updating my blog but look for a post soon. :)

  7. Dear Supersweet,
    It's my belief that anything you can employ to bring relief from chronic pain is worth the potential cost.
    I fight every chance I get to change opinions and laws regarding the only drug that has brought me relief from ra and its affects: marijuana.

    I'm in my mid 50's and have suffered for 20 years. It wasn't until an old college friend re-introduced me to this drug one night a few years ago, that I realized its benefit to my condition. The more frequently I smoked, the better I felt on a daily basis. I now take a few puffs a day only, and that seems to keep this miserable ailment - and its debilitating affects - at bay. My new doctor was amazed that I've been afflicted as long as I have and have so few deformities. I use nothing else.
    I now only experience joint stiffness and soreness every few months and only slightly, rather than excruciating pain every day. It's been a true blessing. I urge you to contact your physician and representatives in government, and ask them to support legalization for medical purposes. I hate to see others suffer needlessly and, boy, can I commiserate!
    Our choices are few right now, but I refuse to be miserable and vulnerable when I don't have to be. My body, my choice.

  8. Nice to see someone finally bring up the subject previous commenter did. Don't see it discussed much. I've read a lot about it. Find it very interesting that it is scientifically documented to help, but is illegal. But it's acceptable and legal to take a pharmaceutical concoction created in a lab that carries grave side effects with it. A whole other subject...

    Great to hear from you! I think about you from time to time and hope and pray for the best. When you have to bring the book of Job into the picture, there is just no way around saying that that stinks. : ( I'd give you a big hug if I could. And you're teaching. That's super cool. They are blessed to have you. And disability is helping. Hallelujah. Love what you said about the person that helps you keep house clean! I need to get someone in to help me tackle the mt. of dust that has collected during the last year that I was a mess. Hope to hear from you again soon! You are in my prayers, my sister

  9. Love your blog Superbitch! Missed you and welcome back. I had lost 20 lbs during my first flare and nobody gave me answers (it's scary eating as you always ate and seeing the pounds melt off). Look into "rheumatoid cachexia"...I did and been able to gain weight back (a lot of work) only by eating a protein-rich diet and exercising (don't picture body-builder training). When I say "exercising" I mean mainly weight-lifting (mild) and strengthening exercises (avoid the cardio).

  10. Agreed that (Things shouldn't be so hard for so long. It had to be a message. We have spent years searching our souls, the skys, the bible, even a therapist or two for an answer as to why life has been so damn difficult.)

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