A Quick Question to Ponder While I Work on a Longer Post...

I "contracted" (I never know what word to say...devloped? caught? was given as a gift?) RA when I was very young. I was 29 years old. Actually, when I look back, the symptoms began 2 weeks after my 28th birthday, but it took until the middle of my 29th year to receive a diagnosis. Life was not as hard then as it would get...but somehow I thought it was then.

When I turned 30, I eloped and got pregnant within the first month of that year! After the birth of my son, the RA that went into remission with pregnancy returned with a vengeance. It progressed somehow with his birth, and progressed again last year, at year 5. (That second part is not related, but just a caution.) In any case, I often think God knew what he was doing when he sent my son that year. It was clearly going to be harder for me to care for a baby after that year.

Nevertheless, we tried anyway. Each time I would go off the meds. to get pregnant, I would literally be unable to walk within a short time, 2 months to be exact. Though the last time, it was probably only one month. At one point, we came off Orencia, the only drug that ever worked for me - after 11 months. It never worked again. And no drug has since in these two years. Talk about regret! Eventually, I decided that God had different plans for us, perhaps adoption, perhaps a busy career...it has not been revealed to me yet. ;)

But here is the problem, and wherein lies my quesstion (that was not so quick as I thought it would be): I often get asked if/when I will have another child. It is obvious to people who know us that I'm in my 30's. Certainly time is running out. I used to answer that I didn't know. Now I can honestly answer that "No. There will not be another one."

I can clearly tell that this answer bothers most people. So often, I would explain that I had RA, and that it was too difficult for me to stop my meds., so we really couldn't afford to try anymore.

Then, it becomes obvious that they are pitying me!

So here's the question: Do I allow people to judge me harshly, unfairly, or do I open myself up to their pity? Which is worse?

I'm hoping you guys can help.

Yay - I'm a 2-Time Award Winning Blogger

Isn't that great to say? :) I can't help it. I LOVE getting awards. I wish we could have our own form of the Oscars every year. That being said...I only want an award I TRULY deserve, so thank you for thinking I deserve this Wren, Remicade Dream and Bionic Pony.

Now, according to the rules of this award, I’m supposed to tell you ten things about me that you don’t know, and then nominate five blogs for the award. Hmmm...this will be an added challenge for me, because as most of you know, I'm trying to keep my identity a secret. So I cannot write about some of the more impressive parts of myself without tipping people off. Its not that I'm the Queen of England or anything, but if any of my family or friends stumble upon this blog, I don't want to face the inevitable hurt feelings and angry confrontations. Then again, the more I write about some of them, the more I think about revealing myself if only to ensure their departure from my life.

But ok, back to the award...

Thank you so much Remicade Dream for giving me this award. I love your blog, and I hope I will do the award justice. Wren, you know I adore your writing, and hope I can continue to learn more from you. And Bionic Pony, I just found yours, and can't wait to read some more. So here goes...

1. I wish I were the Queen of England, or the Queen of anything. I have an obsession with castles and find royalty intriguing...not to mention the fun I could have with those gowns and tiaras!

2. I have written to all three of my favorite authors with RA, and all three have responded back within 24 hours. I know - thrilling, right?

3. I am a HUGE fan of disaster movies. I have seen Twister about 200 times, and I've made my poor husband sit through every cheesy movie EVER made about a volcano eruption, earthquake or killer virus.

4. I own roughly 319 pairs of flip flops.

5. I absolutely LOVE my chosen career. One of the hardest things about this damn disease is that I don't get to practice my career full-time. But! As many have pointed out, it leaves me no excuse to not work on my writing!

6. I was voted Most Popular in our high school yearbook. It was a mistake. I was actually voted something else, but our names were similar, and they mixed us up. HA!

7. I predict the future at an alarmingly accurate rate. I present the following real life scenario:
Husband: Superbitch, I think Jack and Anna make such a sweet couple.
Superbitch: Yeah, they'll be divorced soon. I give 'em six months.
Husband: You're crazy.
(Six months later)
Husband: Jack and Anna are getting a divorce!
Superbitch: Uh huh, and you're surprised why?
Husband: Holysh*t, I married Sylvia Browne.

8. I have an enormous crush on Dr.Gregory House - but of course, he is the King of speaking his mind; he's disabled; he's brilliant. (O.k. so I lost in the comparison on the last point, but still!)

9. I abhor weddings. I think they are so boring, and such a waste of money. I eloped. And to this day, I try my best to get out going to as many weddings as I can. Imagine my delight when I had to be a matron of honor a few years ago.

10. Upon learning I had this disease at age 29, I gave up smoking, clubbing and drinking, and so now I drink 5 cans of pepsi a day.

And now I'd like to pass this award along to thse deserving people whom I do not believe have received it yet:

1. RA Sucks by Kim

2. And That's the Way Sue "C's" It...The Mommy Doctor Blog

3. Amber at RA Maybe Mamma

4. Leslie at Southern Gal with RA

5. Seth at Creaky Joints

Here I Come Again...

Its been a while, I know.

There are many, and I do mean many, reasons for my long unanticipated absence. There were some bad flares, and some great weeks when I had to take advantage of NOT having such bad flares. But then there was something else too...

It was...well, I caught myself being too nice all of a sudden. The RA blogging community is small, and we certainly must support each other; that much is clear. But showing support doesn't mean that we necessarily have to agree all the time. I was having a harder and harder time disagreeing with some of the bloggers that I have come to think of as friends.

And even more than that, I started becoming a little too aware of my readers. Like once when I wrote that post about how all the cancer awareness crap sometimes makes me resentful, and then I heard from a reader who had both RA and Cancer, and I ended up feeling like a big o'l bitch (and not the super kind). From there on out, I would start writing about something that bugs me, and I would pause and think "What if one of my readers does that same thing, and so this offends her?"

And so I had to step away for a while...try to live and be and do all things with this horrible disease. So that I could observe these experiences and bring them to you guys again UNcensored AND REAL! SO if you'll allow me to, I'd like to try again to start making entries regarding some of the more annoying things with which I dealt while I was away.

I would have liked to start even soon, but alas, let me share with you the LAST excuse for being absent so long...It comes under the heading of: Annoying fat in-laws who think that 1.)They know what is best for me. Even know they 2.)don't have RA, are not medical drs., nor have they barely even spent more than 2 minutes researchingthe disease. They also think 3) that they won't look EXACTLY like the abominable snowman in their size 38 wedding dress, but that's just one more example of their very poor judgement.

Yet, I've been subjected to their little "discssions" (read: lectures) several times each of the past few months. I'm seriously about to go over to facebook and make some really rude comment (you know how I'm famous for my snarky FB comments). Something that says something akin to: Thanks for all of your great advice about the disease that you don't have, but the wedding is right around the corner, so you may want to start working on your strategy for not being called the "second wife that is exactly double the size of the first one." I'm not quite sure how that's going to go over, so maybe I'll just keep writing here to keep myself sane.

So thanks for welcoming me back. I'll get straight to work on both updating you guys some more and doing something once and for all with our book disucssion.

And speaking of Facebook, please please pretty please use the link on the left to join us over there. We can make mini snarky comments to each other all day long over there, and you never know...You might inspire my next entry. Oh, and if while you are there, you want to make jokes about the fat bride that told my husband, "Would it really be so bad if she had to use a wheelchair?" I would seriously be ok with that. As in, I may nominate you for a Nobel Peace Prize.

On a serious note, thanks for caring everyone. And reading. I keep all of you in my prayers on a reg. basis. You have no idea. xoxo

- RA SB